Life in Shadows
by heatherpoulette
Summary: Imogen has been waiting for this for a long time.  Is it finally her chance with Eli?
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

_This is the first fanfic I have ever written. Imogen truly intrigues me and inspired me to write._

_Not positive yet if I will continue with it, but any feedback would be greatly appreciated._

**Prologue**

He's finally single.

Available. After all this time of watching. Waiting.

She had thought many times of approaching him while he was still with her but the time never seemed right.

She watched them laughing, flirting in English class. It made her heart ache to see him lean into her, challenging her, skipping class with her.

She was hopeful when he pushed her away during the Romeo & Juliet project, disappointed once again when they were suddenly an official couple walking the halls with their arms around each other, smiling, joking, learning more about each other. Falling for each other.

Vegas night. She was there. She had taken a cup of punch right before she saw him add in the Ipecac, almost wishing she could drink it instead just to get his attention. Witnessed the frantic running around looking for him, hid in the shadows as Fitz stalked down the hall toward them with the knife. She doesn't know what she would have done if Fitz had actually stabbed him instead of the wall. Would she have screamed out? Run to his side to stop the blood flow until help arrived?

He didn't return after the winter break, not right away. His originality of dress stifled by the uniforms they all now had to wear. Not that he noticed her before the uniforms despite the little things she used to do to draw attention to herself, like wearing cat ears everyday for a month. She has watched her during this time without him; she had seemed sad, jumpy, unsure of what was to come. Once back they seemed happy. In love. She knew she shouldn't keep hoping but she couldn't help it.

The things got strange. She watched them unravel little by little, not understanding why but embracing all the anguish she witnessed between them. A locker that seemed as though it hadn't been cleaned in years. She swiped an action figure that had fallen out of it one time and hid it in her own, gazing fondly upon it from time to time. Matching cartilage piercings. No one knows she went in and had hers done right after they left, getting the same exact one. Much crying and mutual attendance of Friendship Club. They never noticed she was sitting in that circle, watching Luke ask her what was wrong. Collaboration on a Gothic Tale comic that really he wrote but shared the credit. She bought 10 copies of it and still has them hidden at home.

The Spring Dance. She had heard that he had wanted to go to the Gothic Comic Convention but she had not wanted to. When she showed up at the dance without him, she watched from the side of the dance floor, more hopeful than ever. Followed her to the hospital after overhearing the frantic phone call. Witnessed the pain in his eyes, the desperation with which he held onto her, not wanting to let her go as if he knew once he did it would be the end.

And then she would be there for him.


	2. Spring Break

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi**

_Thank you for taking the time to read this story. _

_I'm going to try to keep it along the storyline of the show however plan on taking liberty with the scenes they do not show us._

**Spring Break**

She laid on her bed bored out of her mind. At least while she was at school she always knew she could find him, see him, accidentally or purposefully run into him. During the week off of school she wasn't sure what to do with herself, especially knowing they had broken up. Only one more day until the break was over.

She had stayed at the hospital for a while watching him stare blankly into space with his father by his side, after she had pulled away from him and ran out crying. She went back to the school to see her inside with her friend, dancing and seemingly having an okay time despite what had transpired earlier.

She made a few visits to the hospital early in the week, pretending to be visiting the girl down the hall when the nurses looked at her questionably, and managed to catch him sleeping or in physical therapy, practicing walking with the cane. One day she went and he just wasn't there anymore. She went over to the impound lot and found the crumpled remains of his beautiful car, staring at it longingly because she knew she would now never have the chance to ride with him in it. When no one was looking she managed to pry the skull hood ornament off and slipped it into her bag.

And now one more day until back to school. She looked around her room, nothing exciting. Books on the shelves, easel in the corner, various art projects in different stages of completion. Clothes hanging in the closet, several standard issue red Degrassi shirts on the hangers along with assorted khaki bottoms, boring. She had heard they were now able to wear their own hoodies and jackets again rather than the horrible Degrassi cardigan or zip up.

Throwing on black jeans, striped shirt and Converse, she went downstairs. Saw her mother in the kitchen cooking something she couldn't identify by smell. Her brother and sister in the living room, watching tv. Her father off playing golf. Nothing exciting, just a normal boring family who typically spent their summers at their cottage and their other breaks visiting family with an occasional trip to the States. Boring. She waved to her mom, gestured toward the door holding up her camera to show she was going out for a walk to take some pictures, and slipped out.

No where really to go, nothing to do. Walked past The Dot, gazing inside. Bunches of kids, some from Degrassi, some from other schools. Some she knew, waved hello. Stopped for a minute and caught her breath when she saw his friend Adam sitting a table but kept going when she realized he wasn't there with him but with his brother. Walked past the book store where she had seen Chuck Palahniuk read to a captive audience, only there not because she read his work but because he did and was there as well. Took a picture. Through the park, past the kids playing. Past Degrassi, quiet now but not for much longer. Turned down one block and then another until she was walking past a house she knew all too well because of the number of times she has walked past it, never really stopping for long, sometimes just long enough to run her fingers over the skull hood ornament now sitting in her room. No car in the driveway now. Wondered where he was and when she would see him again. Took a picture.

Sighed. Headed home, passing by her house which was one the way to her own. Saw her standing outside, saying goodbye to one parent while saying hello to the other. She looked sad.

Home again. Mumbled hellos to the family, back upstairs on her bed. Looking at her new schedule of classes, electives which they now were able to take as juniors. Drama with Ms. Dawes, might be interesting. Wondered if he would be back in school ever and if she would be able to tweak her schedule to see him as she had done in the past. She'd find a way, she always had.


	3. New Beginning

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. **

**If I did there would be more dreams with giant lollipops in the background.**

Finally over. The long week of torture. Of sneaking around into places she should not be, just trying to see him. To make sure he was okay. To make sure they were not back together.

Back to school. Colder than before the break. Mother Nature had decided to imitate the coldness she felt in her heart when she didn't see him all the time, and it had finally snowed for the first time that year.

Red shirt on (but now allowed the stripped shirt under it.) Khaki skirt. Silver oval necklace on a leather cord she had found in a second hand shop. Hair quickly brushed, parents kissed, siblings waved to, out the door.

Arriving at school, students milling around, happy to see each other. Saw her walking with her friend, nervously peering around every corner as if she too was looking for him. Realized that she was indeed doing just that.

Spotting him for the first time - had it only been four days? Seemed like an eternity. Heart sank as she followed his path of vision to her. Watched as he leaned heavily on his cane (it was a skull, she should have known it would be and loved him more for that) and slowly painfully made his way toward he as she did toward him. Leaning against the wall as they approached one another, nerves radiating from her end, nothingness from his. No light in his eyes, only darkness. Brief exchange, seemingly benign from a distance, his walking off limping on his boot, her staring confused after him. Hope sparked in her brain and heart. They were not back together.

Classes dragged. Highlight of day some jock in her her math class hitting the floor as if shot when the garbage truck dropped the empty dumpster onto the concrete. Looked around but could not find him anywhere. Thoughts that he left. Thoughts that he left with her. Glanced at the parking lot for his car and then remembered she would never see it there again, the one she had never been invited into, front or back. Wondered when exactly she had become so pathetic that not seeing him in school for more than a few minutes dropped her to the depths of despair.

School day over. Mentioned by a few people that there would be a lot of them hanging at Above the Dot. Asked to come by several, she nodded, but not really committing to yes or no. She couldn't imagine him going there, up all those stairs with his cane and his limp, but she couldn't be sure. She needed to make sure.

.

.

.

Out on a school night, parents didn't care. Never really gave them trouble, they liked how she dressed a little quirky (lame she knew but the only way to hide her normalcy.) Aside from making them call her by the name of her favorite singer rather than her boring given name of Anne, pretty respectful of each other. No childhood trauma, no teenage drama, no divorce, alcoholism, incest or any dirty little secrets in the Moreno family. So boring in fact sometimes she wished for home drama, just to justify why she always wanted to scream to the world LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ALL MY PROBLEMS AND HOW WELL I'M COPING but there were no problems. Truth was she was boring. Her secret.

Above the Dot. Hopping. Crowded. Everyone happy to see each other, be with each other once again after the break and not in school. Searching the room for the black hair, silver guitar pick necklace which she wanted to wear more than anything to scream to the world she was his. Heart beating faster when her eyes landed on him. Over by the pool table - was he using his cane as a pool stick? His face blank, answering an occasional question from his friend Adam. Slowly made her way over, smiling at a few friends on the way but never stopping to chat. On a mission to get closer. But not to seem desperate, just interesting.

About to ask him if his skull cane/pool stick had a name when she saw her. Across the room. Starring at him. Stepped back into the shadows to watch. Watched her approach him, his acknowledgment of her presence and attempt to return to his game. Her sadness and confusion and anger by his dismissal. Her fury as her eyes scrunched shut, hands fisted, irrational words spewed and hurled across the room at him. The silence by all as they watched him not react, her increased rage and finally her removal from the scene by a tall boy in a plaid shirt. Watched him watch her as she was dragged out, blank expression but now some sadness in his eyes.

Now was not the time to approach, to make him notice. Now was the time to acknowledge to herself that while she still seemed to care, he seemed oddly remote, detached. To stay back and watch until she felt the moment was right. To make him feel again about anything, anyone but the one who had just left. To make him feel about her instead.


	4. Drama

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. **

_**I took some liberties with the Degrassi space-time continuum with the order of events in this story. I figured since Degrassi does it all the time, so can I in my own story.**_

**Chapter 4 - Drama**

Back to the grind. Spring break a distant memory despite it barely being finished. Classes, catching a glimpse of black hair limping in the other direction more than once but no time to follow in that direction. Drama class meeting for the first time that day, somewhat exciting. Not as exciting as seeing him of course.

Entering the drama room, gazing around, spotting friends. Asking the girl who came in late who she vaguely recognized why she was there since it was a junior drama class and the girl was obviously a senior given her blue shirt. Really didn't care what her answer was, just asking to be irritating, but hearing something about the girl needing more credits. Remembering that this girl was cast as the female lead in the play he was directing last semester with her, the one that fell to the wayside when this very senior disappeared from Degrassi for a while. Remembering how she watched them starting to direct the play, happy and laughing in their matching Degrassi Drama t-shirts, the one variation from the uniforms the school permitted aside from gym clothes and team uniforms. How she had sat near them in the caf at the Sweetheart Lunch, with friends, not listening to their chatter but trying to overhear what was being discussed at his table. How they seemed so happy then, almost causing her to give up hope.

Dawes telling them that they would be responsible for writing, producing and directing the school play this year. Instructing them to break into groups of four. The senior girl approaching their group hesitantly, asking them to join. Responding snarkily but with a smile, adding to the glibness with a comment about rhyming making it true, turning her away, watching her leave. Could have made the group larger, just didn't feel like it. Ideas being thrown around their foursome, nothing spectacular. Finally deciding on a play about a reality show, surprisingly accepted by the rest of the group despite the stupid premise that completely lacked originality or passion. Bell rang, turning around to grab her books on the floor. Breathing stopped when gaze settled on one black shoe along side one casted booted foot. Head feeling light, gaze moving upwards, seeing silver-ringed black-nailed hand on cane, stripped shirt under red Degrassi issue, dead eyes gazing towards direction senior-girl-in -junior-drama-class had taken on departure. Sitting back down quickly, not daring to turn around. Needing to turn around to see if he noticed her. Realizing she did not even hear his departure over the sound of her heart beating. Stunned. In her class. Stunned.

Rest of day a blur. Drifting from class to class, only two left. Searching hallway for him, eyes scanning, not finding. Senior-girl-in-junior-drama-class in hall visibly upset with another girl in blue. Walking her usual path - her classes, then his, but still no sighting. One last pass by his locker, hoping. Success. Then failure with watching her approach him, a new bounce in her step, smiling nicely almost apologetically. Edging closer trying to hear. Overhearing words such as _meds_ and _no feelings at all_. Watching him toward her, past her, leaning heavily on skull cane, no expression on his face. Wanting to see her face but judging the slumped posture of her shoulders that she was not happy with the interaction.

Pacing her room that night. Not sure what to do with herself. Was not the first class she had been with him in but the first one where she felt there was hope of him noticing, talking to her. Thinking about him. Thinking about the meds and lack of feelings. Feeling this was finally her chance and knew she needed to seize it. Getting him to know she was there was a must. Whatever it took.


	5. Extra Absorbency

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any of it's characters. **

_Thank you so much for reading and for your reviews! It seems like some more people are jumping on the Imogen-appreciation bandwagon which is refreshing._

**Chapter 5: Extra Absorbency**

Thinking of meds. All night long, tossing and turning, not getting much sleep. Taking medication that was numbing his feelings for life and for her. Remembering the blank look in his eyes, on his face. Wondering how she could break through that. If she could break through.

Watching him slowly make his way off the bus, limping down the hall, not looking at anyone. Watching her watch him but not wanting him to see her, then turning away and smiling at her new male companion who looked rather Paul Bunyon-esque.

Drama class. Excitement over the voting on the choice for the play from most excluding Ms. Dawes. A reality show in the front running really? Looking around room for him, seeing everyone talk excitedly but not feeling part of it all. Seeking him, finding him whispering urgently with the senior-short-of-drama-credits-what-was-her-name-anyways-she-would-have-to-find-out-if-she-was-his-friend-now. Watching the girl raise her hand to speak to Ms. Dawes, to address the group. Listening to her speak, seeing her for the first time as a persuasive figure, hearing her ask the class to reconsider their choice of the play to be based on something more real. Lowering her eyes to the floor when the girl spoke about the feelings they were all feeling, especially about feeling alone despite the few friends she did have. Perking up when the girl (whose name she now knew to be Fiona) said that he was the best writer in the class - holy crap did she really say _obviously _out loud in response to that - heart pounding in chest when Fiona suggested he write some ideas and essentially decide the them of the play. Cocking her head to one side, watching them both. Raising her hand to vote before Ms. Dawes even finished suggesting that he be the writer and senior-in-junior-drama be the director. Wondering what this would mean for her and knowing that no matter what the play was about she needed to be a main part of it, not scenery and artistic design which were her typical involvement with school productions.

Looking for him later to tell him she would be more than happy to do anything for the play then deciding against that. Plenty of time to let him know that. Seeing her talking with the editor of the school paper, watching her excitement and then dismay, over what she wondered but wasn't able to figure out at the moment. Spotting him in the mid immersion room, attempting to do something on the computer. Leaning against the door, knowing she could watch him for hours. Knowing she has watched him for hours. Wondering what their first real conversation would be like if it ever happened. Needing to find out if he was listening to any new bands since Alexisonfire had broken up. Seeing him gaze out the window into the hallway, spotting her and Paul Bunyon, knowing he had seen them too.

Watching him grab the computer and fling it to the ground in anger. The computer. Knowing she needed to help him, but not knowing how. Seeing the teacher walking toward the room, knowing there was no time to think but just to act. Telling him to hide the evidence, telling him she's got it, flinging herself face first across the room to make it seem she tripped on a power cord - fuck that hurt - not quite believing she had just done that. Listening to the teacher ask if she was okay, telling the teacher her nose hurt and what a safety hazard that media immersion room was, glancing at his face and enjoying the confusion and befuddled expression on it. Knowing she had finally gotten his attention. Feeling the blood drip from her nose. Knowing she had finally gotten his attention. Leaving him standing alone in the room, accompanying the teacher to the nurse, rejoicing with the knowledge that he knew she existed.

Icing her nose in the nurses office, retelling the story to the nurse and the teacher about what had happened, laughing inside as they filled out an accident report, knowing he was not getting into any trouble for his actions and it was all because of her. Refusing to take the ice out with her, still bleeding a little, bloody tissue to nose, heading to her locker. Turning as she heard her name called and not breaking stride when realizing who was saying her name. Heading toward her locker, vaguely aware of what she was saying to him but aware enough that it was holding his interest. Asking him about his meds, relieved to hear they were anti-anxiety and not for anything more severe (not that it would have mattered to her), casually mentioning that meds like that can stifle creativity and cause writer's block (making this up as she was going along because of his utter captivation at these sentences) and burying herself in her locker when his friend Adam approached them. Smiling as she shoved the tampons up her nose (recalling overhearing her discussion with him about finding Adam's feminine products and his reaction to their possible uses as she sat at a nearby table unnoticed.) Turning around to both of them, making her grand exit while accusing him of punching her in the face. Enjoying the confused expressions on both their faces but not turning back, walking down the hall at an even pace while her insides were flip flopping. Knowing she had finally gotten his attention. Wondering how to hold it.


	6. Summer

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. if I did, Clare would most likely not be the shallow, self-absorbed character that she has been morphed into started with In Too Deep. This however is not a story about Clare so fuck her._**

**_Note: I haven't written any updates for a long time because I was getting extremely bored just paralleling Now or Never, even though there were so many things going on with Imogen. Having recently re-read the original character description for "Imogen Berish", I hope they go back to the original premise of having her lead the boring normal life out of school they depicted, and not change it so that her quirkiness permeates every aspect of her home life as well as school. I think she took quite an emotional beating from Eli (all of her own doing) and I truly felt bad for her. I wanted to give this story closure and hopefully we will find out more about Imogen as the rest of the season unfolds next year._**

Summer. Time to reflect, time to renew. Sometimes too much time to think. School right around the corner yet seeming so far away. Senior year. Blue shirt (still stuck with the damn uniforms but she had become extremely good at accessorizing to reflect her own style.) Hard to believe her last year. Felt like she had just fully come alive the end of her junior year. Because of him.

Him. Still hurt to think about all that had actually transpired. Sometimes when she allowed her mind to wander back to the events of the late spring it just made her brain ache. Wondered why she did what she did, why she allowed things to get to the point they had. Knew she would be kidding herself if she denied she didn't still care about him despite everything.

The play…oh that damn play. She wanted so badly to really, truly be a part of his life. Didn't realize it would actually be so easy, after watching him from afar since the beginning of junior year. He was so desperate to hold onto _her_, she who shall not be named. She knew she was feeding into his issues. Not truly helping him. But he was talking to her, hanging with her, walking with her to classes, she had to be there for him and let him vent about her to make their own relationship stronger, closer. Kept on with the never-ending hope that someday he would forget about her. And then she would have him completely.

The meds? How she convinced herself it was okay to for him to not take them, she'll never get. Foolish, yes. But it seemed to be the way she got into his life, so how was she going to step back and tell him she made a mistake and he really should be taking them? That he needed them? He was getting a little scary at times, his obsession with her grew instead of waned as was the plan. And in the end she tried to get him to go back on them after realizing how far gone he actually was. Maybe if she had met his parents she could have gone to them, explained what had happened, asked for their help. Because when things got really bad deep down she knew she was part of why they had gotten to that point.

Not sure how things got the point they did. Changes in the play, rewrites, watching him try to rewrite his life into a happy ending that would include _her _and only _her._ Frustration by the rest of the cast, by the director. Watching Fiona try to convince Ms. Dawes that things were out of control, that he was out of control. Helping him convince the seemingly gullible drama teacher that things were under control, that he had things under control. Somehow succeeding. Knowing now how foolish the whole thing was, that in reality things were spiraling was out of anyone's control.

That night he called her to come over was one of the happiest in the world for her. To be asked to his house out of the blue. To presumably run through scenes, work on their characters' interactions (as if she needed more direction on how to be more like _her_!) Seeing how he looked at her that night, as if he was seeing her but not really seeing her. And knowing at that moment she did not care what was going through his head, if he was caught up in his character or in the demons in his head, just knowing she would do anything to make him hers, truly hers. Even when he called he by _her _true name, she who will not be named, and not by her character name, she refused to believe it, convincing herself he did really say Clara instead. Because she was Clara, she knew it, and she wanted him to know it was she who he was kissing, laying with on his bed, not her. Fantasy destroyed the next day when he talked about how great the rehearsal was, but still, refusing to believe that someday soon they wouldn't be kissing again.

Remembering the pain at feeling no matter what she did she would never measure up to her. She agreed to do things to make him see how she was the right one for her. The pills in Jake's locker. Never imagining the backlash, the verbal whipping she would get from him for putting it in her locker instead. Realizing at that moment that he might truly be right, that she was to him and he was to _her_ which was nothing. Pain permeating her entire being. Why he couldn't see how wrong her was nearly killed her. No possibly way for her to do the play and not completely lose her soul. Bailing even though it was wrong but needing to save herself. Watching the play from the shadows in the back, seeing his pain consume him, knowing how much she had been a part of perpetuating it. Heart stopping when he looked right at her, wondering if she had really just heard him express regret over his behavior toward her. Exhaling when the lights finally went out, finally breathing after listening to his conscripted monologue and watching spontaneous script burning (was that her Zippo lighter?), astounded by the outpouring of emotions from the audience lead by Ms. Dawes.

Rest of the school year pretty much a blur. Avoiding him for the first time all year made easy by the fact he was out of school for a few weeks. Even when he was back, taking different routes in school (easy because she knew where he was most of the time after months of purposefully seeking him out.) Becoming somewhat friends with Bianca, knowing the hell the two of them could raise if they put their minds together. Seeing him more stable, watching him again from a distance because that was what she was used to doing for so long. Trying to convince herself she didn't care anymore but knowing she was lying to herself yet again. His apology, keeping that spark of hope in her alive, hope that he would want to get to know the real her (or at least the facade she had created for everyone to see.) Heard about the prom, his friend being shot, Bianca almost shooting someone as well.

Summer. No contact with anyone from school except the usual few she hung out with long before she became a part of and not just an observer of his world. Saw him a few times at The Dot having coffee with Fiona, almost went in, decided against it. Lots of shopping (vintage), thirsting and candy eating. Wondering what he was doing but not in the same obsessive way as before. Reconnected with some more old friends. Heard through the grapevine that _her_ mother and the plaid-wearing set builder (Fritz? Jack? Jake? yes Jake)'s father got married. Wondering what the deal was between the two of them, dating then step siblings. Amusing to her.

Thought she saw him riding around town on a bike (more amusing to her). Had her dad fix her bike, just in case. Not sure in case of what but still just in case. Read on FaceRange stories of a trip to a cabin, everyone scaring themselves silly, step siblingreconciliation. Wondered where that left him, was he free, had he moved on? School was just around the corner. Maybe this would truly be her year to shine. After all, she did just buy some new cat ears.

**END**


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